While yes, I love sunrises and the state of self-reflection they induce within me, there is still no feeling quite like sitting up at two in the morning, attempting work, and hearing the song you really needed to hear, come on shuffle from your music. Perfect.
Why is it perfect? Because over the past couple of weeks (months, even), I have been running around everywhere and facing a lot of sleepless nights and sleepy days (not unlike this very night) chasing work and homework and self-inflicted torture of extra work like a madwoman. And in between, I veg out in front of the TV or laptop and watch Modern Family and crush on Phil 'Dum-phy' (only a true Modern Family-ite will understand this...) guiltily. To add to the guilt, naturally, is a diet and lifestyle high in everything I am learning about is bad for me (except for smoking. Ew. Guess I'm not as badass as I sound after all, eh...). Good body image, you say? What's THAT?!
So of course, when you hear Amitabh Bachchan's voice telling you to stand tall and walk alone even if no one else heeds your voice, it is oddly extremely comforting. Extremely comforting and new-lease-of-inner-strength-inspiring. Especially so (did I mention?) at two in the morning, as you're making notes under a small desk lamp. I found myself stopping and just listening to the song, with my mind in blissful silence. More than anything, this song told me to pause from being an overworked (and never-paid) cog and remind myself of all the wonderful things I believe in, and must not give up on.
Something similar also happened to me yesterday, when I was driving back from another town and I decided to leave the motorway at an earlier junction to try and find the place where I go to for cheaper petrol through a different route. I had a lecture I needed to attend in forty minutes and I knew I was taking a cheeky gamble with exiting the motorway one junction earlier (countryside driving, if you are really unlucky, can equate to crawling slowly behind large tractors on one-way lanes), but I decided to do it anyway. Anything for cheaper petrol, right?
As I try and find my exit on the roundabout, I accidentally end up driving into some sort of a holiday resort/hippie home resort/elderly people's retirement resort... place. I am still not entirely sure what it is! Frustrated at the time lost and cursing myself for taking the wrong turn, I drove along into the resort to try and find a place to reverse... and suddenly in front of me is a big, beautiful, blue lake, surrounded by the rich, lush greenery of nearby grass and expanding out into the horizon were hills in the background. I notice the sun is shining, and coming from the car's speakers is a trance song by Above and Beyond - 'Home'. I went into a trance myself. You must remember that I have been living in the hospital, with machines and people all around me, and it has been ages - Absolutely. Freaking. Ages. - since I had seen nature around me.
I stepped out and goshdarnit - actually breathed for the first time in a long time. The car window was still open, and I could hear the lyrics "the sunset builds a memory, our love sign... and all at sea we come alive" being sung. It was blissful, and it felt like my little secret. And to find all this purely by accident made it all the more magical. Some wine and a good book and I would happily have set up camp right there.
But alas, I had a lecture to drag my ass to.
However, the moral of the two stories remains the same - don't give up, walking alone can lead you to discover what it was you needed all along. (And of course, always listen to inspirational music at two in the morning - this one is for the fellow insomniacs...)
* Loose translation, as I am led to understand: 'if they answer not to thy call, walk alone'
Why is it perfect? Because over the past couple of weeks (months, even), I have been running around everywhere and facing a lot of sleepless nights and sleepy days (not unlike this very night) chasing work and homework and self-inflicted torture of extra work like a madwoman. And in between, I veg out in front of the TV or laptop and watch Modern Family and crush on Phil 'Dum-phy' (only a true Modern Family-ite will understand this...) guiltily. To add to the guilt, naturally, is a diet and lifestyle high in everything I am learning about is bad for me (except for smoking. Ew. Guess I'm not as badass as I sound after all, eh...). Good body image, you say? What's THAT?!
So of course, when you hear Amitabh Bachchan's voice telling you to stand tall and walk alone even if no one else heeds your voice, it is oddly extremely comforting. Extremely comforting and new-lease-of-inner-strength-inspiring. Especially so (did I mention?) at two in the morning, as you're making notes under a small desk lamp. I found myself stopping and just listening to the song, with my mind in blissful silence. More than anything, this song told me to pause from being an overworked (and never-paid) cog and remind myself of all the wonderful things I believe in, and must not give up on.
Something similar also happened to me yesterday, when I was driving back from another town and I decided to leave the motorway at an earlier junction to try and find the place where I go to for cheaper petrol through a different route. I had a lecture I needed to attend in forty minutes and I knew I was taking a cheeky gamble with exiting the motorway one junction earlier (countryside driving, if you are really unlucky, can equate to crawling slowly behind large tractors on one-way lanes), but I decided to do it anyway. Anything for cheaper petrol, right?
As I try and find my exit on the roundabout, I accidentally end up driving into some sort of a holiday resort/hippie home resort/elderly people's retirement resort... place. I am still not entirely sure what it is! Frustrated at the time lost and cursing myself for taking the wrong turn, I drove along into the resort to try and find a place to reverse... and suddenly in front of me is a big, beautiful, blue lake, surrounded by the rich, lush greenery of nearby grass and expanding out into the horizon were hills in the background. I notice the sun is shining, and coming from the car's speakers is a trance song by Above and Beyond - 'Home'. I went into a trance myself. You must remember that I have been living in the hospital, with machines and people all around me, and it has been ages - Absolutely. Freaking. Ages. - since I had seen nature around me.
I stepped out and goshdarnit - actually breathed for the first time in a long time. The car window was still open, and I could hear the lyrics "the sunset builds a memory, our love sign... and all at sea we come alive" being sung. It was blissful, and it felt like my little secret. And to find all this purely by accident made it all the more magical. Some wine and a good book and I would happily have set up camp right there.
But alas, I had a lecture to drag my ass to.
However, the moral of the two stories remains the same - don't give up, walking alone can lead you to discover what it was you needed all along. (And of course, always listen to inspirational music at two in the morning - this one is for the fellow insomniacs...)
* Loose translation, as I am led to understand: 'if they answer not to thy call, walk alone'
6 comments:
"an overworked (and never-paid) cog" - This cracked me up. Why didn't I think of that phrase when I was a medical student?
And yes absolutely. This post shows you've grasped one of the most important things in medicine - to take time to smell the flowers. I don't think what you did was weird at all. It was human, very human.
There're only 2 things you need to grab onto when you're studying medicine. One's where you want to be ten years down the line, the second's what you're going to do tonight after work!
I had this quote, "Bigger goals require the completion of many smaller goals" plastered above my table when I was younger. I just kept forgetting why I was doing what I was. But, gentle reminders from Amitabh Bachchan work just as well.
A lot of people lock themselves down while working/studying, I did too, bad call! Leave yourself some room to maneuver, talk to people, get lost & discover lakes...
& yeah, shut off comment moderation!!! :P
Angry Medic: wow, I'm humbled a Cantab took the time out to respond to my silly ramblings, welcome to my blog! Funnily enough, I applied to Cambridge and got a rejection. FML. lol. I do enjoy your writings and yes, I think 'me time' is extremely essential in medicine. I sometimes wonder how those doing MBBS as post-grads (like our American brethren.. lol) manage medicine AND a marriage. Sometimes it feels I can barely look after my OWN self let alone sustain a marriage!! From my blog-stalking (errrr... yes. :P), I hear you've been having a lot going on, hope things will work themselves out for you. You might want to check the song I've put in the title of this post out - think somehow after reading your posts about being a good medic vs a great something else, you may find it a little bit apt too. :-)
Sculptor: as always, love your thoughts! I've never thought of it like that but with the ridiculous amount of tick-box stuff we need to do for our medical school, I have always told myself and comforted my friends with the same thought - that you need to go through the daily goals to reach your big one. I've never thought of the 'what to do tonight after work' like that. That is a pretty neat attitude to have and I need to develop that because - as you may be able to tell from the Facebook Hiatus Part The Second - I shut myself off when it comes to studies too. Thanks for the gems you're passing on to your juniors, sir :P
Wow. Lovely post.
And the photos are so gorgeous.
And i totally got your 2 am song hearing experience, it used to happen to me a lot. And some songs are just so good for you, at times, you tend to want to just stop and keep listening for a while.
I hope you visit that beautiful lake again sometime. And it seems like you travel a lot everyday? But you always make it sound like its a lot of fun driving.
I don't know anything about Modern Family.
Once again, loved the post and the message. Keep posting! <3
This is just to check what happened to my previous long comment, since I just closed that window in a hurry.
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