Reflections and Horizons*

I only ever seem to turn to my blog in times when I am in abundant demand of comfort, security and familiarity. In some aspects, I see my blog as my way of time travelling - back to simpler times, back to times when I had the time to ponder on the reflections and muse on the future horizons. Back to when I was younger. 

Why is that? Several reasons. Time seems to stand still when I see this blog. I started this blog when I was sixteen. Sixteen, I tell you. A sixteen year old starting her very first blog, hell that should speak encyclopedias about my personality. And every time I wish I could go back to... well, when everything was seen through a sixteen year old's eyes again, I seem to find that solace in this blog. 

Of course, time neither pauses nor changes its pace for anyone. The blogs I once stalked, the bloggers I once knew, the windows I had the chance to peep through to experience life in a different world (metaphorical windows, of course... in a non-creepy way. Yeah.) have all now changed. Either they stopped blogging or their lives took a different turn and they didn't feel like sharing it on their blog. 

When I was sixteen, I well and truly believed in the 'eternal'. I believed in the depth of the bonds we created, with everything from our jobs to our hobbies to our loved ones. I found it hard to understand why people would let go of something good. To be honest, I think I still feel the same way. I thought happy families I read about from other blogs would last, the Hindi movies bloggers loved to write reviews about would continue, that people would keep on churning out post after post because of the love they had for it. 

I have always had a romantic viewpoint of the eternal nature of things. Like that old adage about fine wine and good cheese goes, I believed the bonds would simply become stronger and deeper with time. I could not comprehend a world where ideas, beliefs and personalities would change, and what once tasted sweet could turn sour. I was - and still am - too in love with the idea of looking back in time at how a bond has grown, evolved and stood with us through all these years. I don't even like 'How I Met Your Mother' (ever since they ruined that ending), but Lily's porch test really applies here. I believed when we were old and looked back on our lives, sitting on the porch, I always imagined reflecting on the passion and continuity of one thing growing and become a beautiful, eternal part of our lives. I always imagined looking back on memories of things, places, people we have committed to, and which have equally also stood by us. I prefer continuity. (I also think that is a huge part of why I get really upset when they cancel really good TV shows - but that's another rant for another day...!)

And yes, if I really wanted to go into it, and really bore the grand total of the three readers who peruse my blog, I can relate it so very easily to having never had continuity growing up. I moved towns, then countries, and I never had the same core group of friends from my childhood onwards. My blog, in all honesty, is one of rare things from my younger years that has always been there, that has always provided continuity. 

All of this is rather ironic, of course, if you knew the chaos that was going on in the practical aspects of my life...! The practical aspects of my life are anything but continuous at present. I don't really know which direction I am going in, or where I will end up. I hold on very strongly to that sense of continuity and belonging, almost as my own Pursuit of Happyness. Not because I think that is the only way to be happy, but because I know nothing else but sustainability would work for me. 

Broken bonds and bonds illusioned by a depth that was never there are a part of life, and I know I have learned this lesson very, very well. And much as I moan about it, I know deep down, I don't really wish to fast-forward to a life where I am settled and making all the memories for my Porch Wala Scrapbook already, because that means missing out on all the beginnings. The anticipation of a new relationship, the first moment when you know you really connect with a friend, the high you feel when you realise you really enjoy doing something you never thought you would like. And on all the 'middles' - the doubts, the uncertainties, the shakiness of the bonds that serve to strengthen the bond much later, the failures, the struggles. These are all worth it. I may not be an expert, but I feel like I can say this with some authority on the subject because I have, at some time or another, failed in every single aspect of my life. And trust me, you do not want to miss out on the middle. Not just because the middle shapes you and strengthens the depth of your bond, but because that is as much a part of the journey as the beginning. They are just as important memories to make. There is beauty in misery too - ask any poet or musician. 

Why am I writing all this? Sarah Kay once said of the poems she writes, that she uses them as a medium to understand things she has trouble with. And that sometimes when she gets to the end of the poem, she realises that she has figured out what it's about. That is often how I feel when I start blogging - or indeed, writing. Perhaps the point of this post was for me to calm down about the lack of continuity in life, or to celebrate the continuity, nostalgia and time travel that this blog has provided for me, for nearly the past ten years. 

In an age where a significant part of our culture is mired in transience, I always found it nice to seek out my blog when I look for a way to reconnect with who I was, reflect on where I am, and think ahead to what the oncoming horizon brings. 

(Sunrise somewhere in Florida.)

*It's me. If I didn't come up with a suitably hipster title for my blog, I would pretty much need a brain scan right about now.