About Me

My photo
I love the sunrise. I love staring out into the horizon in front of me, feeling the sun's glow, and losing myself in my own world of thoughts... I love being awake when the world around me is fast asleep, and staring into the distance at the tiny glimmering ball of fire as it shyly creeps into my world… Each sunrise brings to me a new day and with it a fresh start. An opportunity to do things differently, see things from a different point of view... but best of all, an opportunity to ponder over the day ahead, giving a new chance every day to live...

Friday, January 11, 2013


I've been lying awake (don't ask, my mind is still on North Carolina time... more about that trip, soon... maybe... uhh, one day?) for the past half an hour, contemplating this word. Single. It's a very huge and heavy word. Like I've mentioned previously on this blog before, I don't intend for this to become a girly, gossip-filled, he-said she-said advice column by writing this, but rather I hope to just pause and reflect for a while. Because, like, I've not done any pausing-and-reflecting on this blog before (see - well, uh - see a lot of my previous posts? I'm a fun person too, I swear!)... obviously.

(Can you tell I'm nervous writing this? Am I that transparent? Or did I just give myself away?)

For possibly the first time in a very long time, I have really started to embrace this word - single. I feel, though, that there are often different (no, not fifty...) shades of single. There is the single-but-still-emotionally-attached single, where you're single on paper (or, as is the social convenience nowadays, on Facebook) but you're not really over someone, you're still sitting and mulling over some things that were meant to be exorcised a long time ago, perhaps still wishing for a glimpse of those same rays of sunshine again. Then there is the single-but-you're-sleeping-with-someone single. This is surely a fun kind of single - no attachments, companionship (hell, maybe even the sacred F-word... friendship, you fools!), and a happy thought that there is still at least one person in the world left who thinks you are still attractive. Following on from this one is the single-but-interested-in-someone single - you're not bound to anyone, but there is a potential. He (or she) makes you grin, so you're going along with it. Testing waters but still free as a bird.

Finally, there is the very right-wing version of single. The shade that I have come to realise in the past couple of days, and especially the past half an hour, I have been wearing with me everywhere. The well-and-truly-single-in-the-most-dull-boring-and-true-sense-of-the-word single. The kind where you are single because there is no one you like, no one who likes you (in case you were looking for a bit of an ego-boost - well, 'hahahahahaha' is all that can be said...!), no one who is potentially going to make you grin (or even attempt a weak half-smile for), and there is literally not one spark of excitement in your life. This, folks, is the single single I am experiencing.

It feels... interesting. Solitary. 

I could spout y'all some bullshit about this new-found joy of being able to discover the real you and having time for yourself and finally being free to explore and clear out the cobwebs in your own mind... but, I am sorry, that is complete and utter bullshit. Whether in a relationship or not, I have always been the real me, even my fascinating door-stoppers of textbooks cannot stop me from making time for myself (and my sunrises) and there are just too many cobwebs in my mind for me to clear out anyway, single or otherwise. (So guys, if there's one semi-coherent thought you wish to take away from all this, it is this: never stop being the real you, whoever you are sharing your bed space with. Just sayin'.)

When I saw my cousin's family, and how they bloomed and blossomed from friendship to husband and wife to creating a family and a home and a life of their own, it makes me feel so incredibly happy for them. It also makes me realise what a blessing it must truly be, to live life in a world you have created for yourself, revolving around the people you really, I mean really, care for and love. It really reinforces how little, simple things can give you infinite joy and... meaning that no amount of travelling or zero-laden paychecks can hope to come close to.

But, like I said, this is neither a whinge nor a wish. It's just a reflection on how damn heavy it feels - single.


det-res said...

I agree actually. Being single is really state of mind and being.It does hit you sometime, that you know what this is it.It is me and I am answerable to myself and no one. I got married a while ago and sometimes it hits me.. man I am married.. LOL..I thinks its a dynamic state from being a happy place to not so happy. I like what you say in your comment above. So fully agree

Sculptor said...

For the most part, we're all way too busy defining our relationship statuses. There's the (i lost count of your many types of) singles, the almost dating, the chronic daters but unable to commit, the dodgy commitment-phobes, the dating but not exclusive, those who have updated their facebook relationship statuses and then there're folks who are married. That's as far as I can see right now. So, "just" single is just another term.
About you feeling like there isn't anyone around who can arouse and interest you (intellectually or otherwise), perception of those around you is more a reflection of your state of mind. So, when you're ready, you're ready. I know quite a few people who thought they'd never meet anyone like themselves, ended up with their polar opposites and led fairytale how-much-ever-time-they-dated (?). As long as you have great company on your many adventures, doesn't matter how you're tagging the relationship. There're those who date and are platonic, and friends with benefits who're exclusive but say they aren't dating. "Dating with benefits", I think I'll make that my non-invention of the day

Wanderer said...

Very well written...
But most of actions are driven by emotions (love for some, hatred for others).

--Sunrise-- said...

det-res: :) glad you agree. I'm also glad you're loving married life, but I can totally imagine thinking 'whoa.. am I actually MARRIED?' lol. a few of my friends are slowly trickling into the M-word and it is damn scary for ME, I can only imagine what it is like for them!!

Sculptor: ahhh as always, your comments are brilliant!! 'have great company on your many adventures' actually implies I have a LIFE and therefore adventures to go WITH it. :P you are right that we spend a lot of time defining our relationships, though... maybe because we are so scared by letting it *be* and letting it *go* that we feel the need to have some semblance of control by giving a bond a name. dunno. also, i don't think it's so much as being ready as it is having *difficult* standards (not high, mind you :P). ha.

Wanderer: thank you for dropping by my blog, glad you liked my writing. I agree completely that actions are driven by emotions, I can always attest to that!! :)

Aayushi Mehta said...

I'm just saying I read this, and everything has already been discussed in the comments

But you know what, if you've gotten over all the opther kinds of single, and come down to the real 'single', I think you're doing very well.

And someday you'll have had enough of being single and move on to the next part of your life :)

Till then, enjoy this one.