I hate having Blah moments because it seems to me they serve no purpose other than to bring me further down than I already am. But the Blah moments – oddly enough – are the moments when you see things clearest. When you’re happy, you’re too lost in the high of that happiness, and likewise when you’re sad, you’re too depressed to see things for what they exactly are. However, come the Blah moments, you are forced to sit yourself down and assess what the hell you are doing with your life. It’s when the mental mind map of everything in your life comes together in an almost epiphanic way, because there is no better moment than a moment of apathy to force yourself to call a spade a spade.
I’m in a very bad place right now. Sometimes I think I seriously need to speak to a shrink, with the amount of chaos my head is in! But, as with every moment in life, there is always, always something you can learn from it – something about yourself, something about the way the world works. Some way or the other you can grow from the experience, and grow for the better.
It seems to me that sometimes I am always in a hurry – in a hurry to see, in a hurry to do, in a hurry to explore and experience, but I am constantly forgetting that before the Hurry comes the Hard Work. Perhaps in my subconscious, I am always in a hurry to move on because I keep thinking there is this... ‘bigger and better’ that I constantly have to keep reaching, to try and prove something to myself and to my loved ones. But none of that is an excuse for forgetting that in order to move on to the ‘bigger and better’ things (Who says what is so, anyway??), I need to have conquered the ‘small and good’ things.
And this is what my stalemate phase has taught me – that it’s easy to want to quit things and fight for what one thinks is one’s right to live as they please, but it’s always much, much harder to accept your mistakes and pay for them in the currency of years of your life. My mind has been forever pondering this thought of whether you simply up and leave when you are not in a happy place in life or whether you stick it out because life’s a bitch, that I have neglected to see that there is a third side to the coin. I come from a world of choice, where I can choose every single step of my life, and yet I failed to see that choices don’t necessarily have to be binomial (or perhaps it’s because I come from a world of choice, that I am too lost in the luxury of the choices already there to expand my mind and think outside of the box... hmmm?). Sometimes it’s not about moving on or staying stuck in the same old rut, it’s about making the most of what you have, before you try and reach out for the new and unseen. A look-before-you-leap kind of thing.
I know I have far to go – both in terms of maturity and knowledge – in life. One of my friends’ MSN display names reads, “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know what you know” (The places you find pearls of wisdom, eh? Oh, by the way, it’s a song lyric. I Googled it.), and it’s so true. For every step uphill you move, you see that the world expands much farther out than you think it does, that there is much more walking for you to do than you thought there would be. But I also know my glorious, beautiful sunrise with all its tangerine hues (just the way I like it), will come, too... because I know I have it in me to make it come true. I just need to learn to look at the bigger picture – “life” is not exclusively in those few moments you bask in the rays of the sun, but also in the twinkling little stars of joy that make the dark nights worth it. They say the best place to look for answers is within yourself – whoever “they” are, they’re right. We are all made of stardust, after all...
I’m in a very bad place right now. Sometimes I think I seriously need to speak to a shrink, with the amount of chaos my head is in! But, as with every moment in life, there is always, always something you can learn from it – something about yourself, something about the way the world works. Some way or the other you can grow from the experience, and grow for the better.
It seems to me that sometimes I am always in a hurry – in a hurry to see, in a hurry to do, in a hurry to explore and experience, but I am constantly forgetting that before the Hurry comes the Hard Work. Perhaps in my subconscious, I am always in a hurry to move on because I keep thinking there is this... ‘bigger and better’ that I constantly have to keep reaching, to try and prove something to myself and to my loved ones. But none of that is an excuse for forgetting that in order to move on to the ‘bigger and better’ things (Who says what is so, anyway??), I need to have conquered the ‘small and good’ things.
And this is what my stalemate phase has taught me – that it’s easy to want to quit things and fight for what one thinks is one’s right to live as they please, but it’s always much, much harder to accept your mistakes and pay for them in the currency of years of your life. My mind has been forever pondering this thought of whether you simply up and leave when you are not in a happy place in life or whether you stick it out because life’s a bitch, that I have neglected to see that there is a third side to the coin. I come from a world of choice, where I can choose every single step of my life, and yet I failed to see that choices don’t necessarily have to be binomial (or perhaps it’s because I come from a world of choice, that I am too lost in the luxury of the choices already there to expand my mind and think outside of the box... hmmm?). Sometimes it’s not about moving on or staying stuck in the same old rut, it’s about making the most of what you have, before you try and reach out for the new and unseen. A look-before-you-leap kind of thing.
I know I have far to go – both in terms of maturity and knowledge – in life. One of my friends’ MSN display names reads, “The more you know, the more you know you don’t know what you know” (The places you find pearls of wisdom, eh? Oh, by the way, it’s a song lyric. I Googled it.), and it’s so true. For every step uphill you move, you see that the world expands much farther out than you think it does, that there is much more walking for you to do than you thought there would be. But I also know my glorious, beautiful sunrise with all its tangerine hues (just the way I like it), will come, too... because I know I have it in me to make it come true. I just need to learn to look at the bigger picture – “life” is not exclusively in those few moments you bask in the rays of the sun, but also in the twinkling little stars of joy that make the dark nights worth it. They say the best place to look for answers is within yourself – whoever “they” are, they’re right. We are all made of stardust, after all...
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